Going over to their friend’s place, they arrive and seem to land in a different scene. The beads hanging in the doorway are parted. The lava lamp is on. And that certain album is playing. A package of taped-up cellophane holds powder, and is sitting on the avocado-colored kitchen counter. The ritual of cooking and injecting the heroin begins. Their friend has taken off like this for years. But this is their first time. A long while after taking their shot, they realize what a relief it was – relief from their socially awkward character. And from the low mood they’ve carried around for years. And from their worries about life and how to make it in the world. Not only did that shot feel great, but it’s also like they found friends without even trying.
Each time they go over to their friend’s house to take part in this ritual, they find their body is a bit more squeamish than the last – but only a little. So little, in fact, that they talk themselves out of thinking the squeamishness is real at all. But eventually the gut cramps are strong enough, and the breathing and agitation are real enough, that they start taking off at home instead – just to save time and have less hassles. Less hassles in their body.
When their friend says they’re going out of town for a few weeks, they panic. “What?!? What am I going to do? Will I run out?” They stock some extra packages for the time their friend will be out of town. But oddly, the sight of that bundle of packages becomes a picture in their mind they just can’t seem to shake. And they keep a bundle of packages for themselves from that day on. It’s almost like they can make it on their own now, even if their friend is missing for a while.
Years into this self-destructive process of injecting heroin, they go off to treatment. After a few months, they arrive door-to-door at the sober residence that was recommended. At long last, the monkey is off their back. And the “job” of keeping a supply is no more. Walking into the kitchen area of the sober residence, their body “sees” the avocado-colored counter top before their mind even realizes what they’re looking at. They barely make it to the bathroom. And when the music is turned on they have to stay in the bathroom, for a lot of reasons.
“If I tell my new roommates about what just happened they’ll think I’m weak. I’ll just shake it off and not say anything.”
In the middle of the night they awake from a using dream. The dream began with a set of beads hanging in the bedroom doorway. And a lava lamp on the nightstand. Was it real? Awakening, and looking at the nightstand, it was not – there’s no lava lamp there. And there aren’t any beads hanging in the doorway. But dreaming of completing the ritual downstairs in the kitchen, on the avocado-colored counter top, got their breathing so shallow and their guts moving so bad, they actually did go into the real bathroom after the dream was over. And then outside and down to the sidewalk at 2:35 am for a walk.
Returning from their walk, they went back to bed. And wondered how on earth they’ll ever be able to butter their morning toast on that dreaded avocado-colored kitchen counter downstairs.
For more about the Conditioning Theories of Addictions, click here to access my recent monograph.
Recovery Review 
Brian: Well done!
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Brian: Well done!
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